Just Like Starting Over
by Celestiella
Summary: AU. Five years after the end of the Bet Subaru meets Seishirou again in the most unexpected and weird circumstances, that force him to interact with Seishirou closer than he expected.
1. Chapter 1

**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own anything, hearts and souls, and characters belong to CLAMP.

* * *

_**(Just Like) Starting Over**_

* * *

_**Memory Lane: Remembrance**_

* * *

When Subaru entered the hospital room, he didn't know what to think, or how to act. He just stood there and stared at the man in the bed, with the single thought repeating itself over and over in his mind.

_"It's been five years. It's been five years, and this was **not **the way I expected to meet you again."_

* * *

The call came unexpectedly this morning. Subaru had just returned to his apartment after a job, when the phone rang. He thought to leave it to the answering machine, as usual, but suddenly changed his mind and picked the receiver. His eyes widened, while he listened to the other side.

There was a man, the doctor said, who was admitted with a serious head-injury yesterday's evening. He suffered a complete memory loss, and there were no any documents about who he is.

The only thing he remembered when he regained consciousness – doctor explained to Subaru, while taking him to the room in question – was one single name.

Sumeragi Subaru.

The doctor said that it was all that man could remember. He didn't even know who was that, when asked. He was sure it wasn't him, but didn't know who should it be either. That's why they decided to find Subaru.

"I apologize deeply for inconvenience, Sumeragi-san," – the doctor walked through the hall with the onmyouji following. – "But his condition is serious – he might never recover his memory at all. That's why we'd like to know at least that he'll be taken care of by someone he knows."

"But do I know him?" – Subaru frowned.

There were warning bells echoing in his mind, and the feeling in his gut was telling him from the beginning it might've been _that person_. But even so… The doctor shrugged.

"I've only assumed, since he told us that name. If you do know him though, please, let us know. I don't think he can take care of himself being in his condition, and no relatives or anybody were searching for him, as far as I know."

"I understand. I'll see if I can talk to him and find out anything," – the onmyouji promised, and stepped inside the room.

* * *

His life really loved to turn everything upside down on him, Subaru thought. It's not that he wasn't used to it, ever since that day five years ago. But still, this, out of all possible things…

_"It's been five years."_

Subaru was standing at the door, unable to bring himself to come closer. The murderer of his sister, the man who broke his heart, the one he was searching for, for all these years, was lying just few steps away from him, yet the onmyouji found himself unable to move. He could only stare in disbelief at the silhouette in the bed. There were bandages on his head, his skin was pale, his unseeing right eye and golden left… Subaru's hands trembled.

"Seishirou-san," – he breathed.

The man shifted in bed, focusing his sight at Subaru. He showed no sign of reaction or recognition to the boy's presence. Subaru felt his chest tightening.

_"This is not how **he **would react. Does this mean that he really… really doesn't remember?"_

"H-hello," – Subaru said stupidly.

_"A bit more," _– he mused. – _"And I'll burst into hysterical laughter."_

After all these years, to find his enemy being in this pitiful condition. After all these years, to have a chance to take revenge, and not to take it. After all these years, to stand like this and look at him again, yet being unable to do anything, or ask anything.

Subaru bit his lip, trying to control his emotions and calm the storm inside his heart. It was difficult.

"Good afternoon," – the man said, looking a bit guiltily. – "Are you Sumeragi-san?"

Subaru's hand twitched.

_"He never called me like that. He **doesn't **remember. Kami-sama, he really doesn't remember."_

There was yet another thing that struck Subaru when he was watching the man: his face. For the first time Seishirou's face was showing _emotion_. Subaru had no idea, whether he should be laughing or crying. For the first time since Seishirou took off his mask in front of him, there was actually a human emotion on his face.

_"Or this might be just another show for two," – _the thought suddenly crossed his mind. – _"He is a fantastic actor. I must keep that in mind. But the thing is, he doesn't seem to be faking it."_

Hesitantly, Subaru took a step closer to the bed. And another one. And another one. Until he found himself staring down at Seishirou's face, carving every little detail of it in his mind.

The assassin hasn't changed much over the years. He was still the same – same haircut, same mismatched eyes, same everything. The only difference Subaru could see right now was that his face was looking _human_. That is, the man was apparently _feeling _something. The onmyouji wet his dry lips.

"I… I am," – he said hoarsely. – "My name is Sumeragi Subaru. Seishirou-san, what happened to you?"

The man blinked.

"Is that my name?" – he asked, puzzled.

Subaru felt completely dazed.

_"He can't be faking it, can he?"_ – the doubt was still in his mind. _– "But what if he does? What will I have to pay with this time?"_

He nodded.

"Yes. Sakurazuka Seishirou," – his voice trembled a little. – "That's your name."

"Oh," – the assassin smiled gently. – "Thank you."

Subaru caught himself smiling weakly in return.

_"What am I doing here? I should be running away from him. Or throwing ofuda at him. Not **smiling **at him. Kami-sama, what am I doing."_

Seishirou frowned a little. Subaru tensed.

"Is there something wrong? You look so pale," – the assassin was looking at him with concern.

_"Wrong? Where do I even start?" – _Subaru laughed mentally. – _"You destroyed me and my life, you killed my sister, you shattered my heart, and you're asking me if there's something wrong? Should I give you a list, Seishirou-san?"_

"I'm so sorry for bothering you… but you do seem to know me, right?" – the man continued in the meantime, looking rather worried.

Subaru closed his eyes. He nodded.

"Yes, I do know you," – he said quietly.

"Are we related somehow?" – Seishirou asked with curiosity.

Subaru suppressed a bitter laugh, and shook his head.

"We are… were… friends," – he answered neutrally, keeping his tone calm. – "I…" – he started, but was mercifully interrupted by the doctor, who came into the room.

"Sumeragi-san," – he nodded to the onmyouji. – "How is it going here? Do you…?"

"Yes, I know him," – Subaru sighed. – "I know him too well."

Seishirou frowned, looking at him in confusion, but not daring to speak in front of the doctor.

"Well then, he has to stay another night in here, but would you come to pick him up tomorrow?"

Subaru swallowed. To pick him up. To bring him to his place – Subaru didn't know where Seishirou lived after he closed his clinic and moved from Shinjuku. To bring the enemy into his home. He looked at Seishirou uncertainly. The man looked… lost. Lost and confused. There was no way Subaru could leave him like that. Even though he knew this might prove as a fatal mistake.

"Yes, of course," – the onmyouji noticed with astonishment, how Seishirou looked relieved after his words.

Was he… scared? Scared of being left alone?

_"But **you** did leave **me**, Seishirou-san. You left me,"_ – Subaru's breathing was fast and shallow.

"Good," – the doctor smiled at Seishirou. – "See, it'll be okay now. Sumeragi-san knows you and will take care of you."

Seishirou nodded slowly, his eyes fixed on Subaru's face.

"Thank you," – he said. – "Please, have a good rest tonight. And I'm sorry again for troubling you."

Subaru merely nodded, and walked out of the room. He couldn't speak. He was afraid that the moment he'd open his mouth, he'd begin to scream.

* * *

Subaru closed the door to his apartment, and slid down to the floor, staring blankly in front of himself. The whole situation seemed surreal to him. That Seishirou-san would be in such condition – he could never imagine anything like that. Yet there he was, he saw it for himself – lying in that hospital bed like a lost child, not remembering anything, looking confused and insecure.

Subaru rubbed his temples, trying to chase headache away.

Seishirou didn't remember.

He didn't remember what he's done to him. Or who he was, for that matter. As well as he didn't remember Hokuto-chan. Subaru reached in his pocket and pulled his cigarettes out. His hand was shaking.

Why did he agree to take him? Shouldn't he just leave him there? Even more so – shouldn't he inform the clan about the Sakurazukamori?

Subaru dragged the smoke in and threw his head back, leaning over the door. He laughed hoarsely, coughing, as the smoke caught in his lungs.

"You know, Seishirou-san," – the onmyouji said, his voice sounding cynical. – "Sometimes I truly hate my kindness."

* * *

"Don't upset him," – the doctor warned Subaru the next day, as he was preparing to pick Seishirou from hospital. – "We cannot foretell for certain if his memory will return. It might happen, but not necessarily. I cannot guarantee anything for that matter. So for now it would be the best not to disturb him, and slowly fill him into usual daily life and routine. The fact that he remembered your name means you were really important and close to him – so I believe, as his friend, you'll know what to do."

Subaru nodded mechanically to that, barely listening. He didn't sleep well tonight, constantly thinking about Seishirou and what to do with him now. For such a long time he wanted to find him and kill him to avenge his sister. But now that he saw him, Subaru couldn't bring himself to think of killing him. He just… couldn't.

_"I wonder does that mean I'm a weak person,"_ – it's not that he had anybody to ask about that. – _"I truly can't kill him, can I? It's just that… the way he looks… I can't,"_ – Subaru closed his eyes. _– "Nee-san…"_

Seishirou was waiting for him in his hospital room, dressed in suit and a coat. Subaru thought hazily that he needed to buy him some clothes – after all, Seishirou didn't remember where he lived, and it would be stupid for him to walk around in the same garments all the time.

_"The last time I worried about clothes was how long ago?" – _Subaru felt like this was some very strange dream.

Seishirou's coat was torn at his sleeve and shoulder. Apparently something fell onto him, which caused his wound? Subaru wondered. There were still bandages on the side of Seishirou's head. The assassin smiled at Subaru, when the onmyouji came to him.

"Good morning, Sumeragi-san," – he greeted him politely.

Subaru inhaled deeply, gathering his wits to speak.

"Subaru," – he stated firmly. – "Please, call me Subaru. You… you never called me by my last name, so it feels weird if you do."

Seishirou looked genuinely surprised.

"I didn't? Okay then," – he smiled. – "You'll take me to my place?"

The onmyouji shook his head.

"I don't know where you live," – he admitted, gesturing the man to follow him out of the room. – "We… we didn't see each other for five years," – Subaru decided to keep to the facts to a certain extent. – "In the meantime you moved from you old apartment, and I do not know your current address."

Seishirou wrinkled his brow.

"So where are we going?"

"To my place," – Subaru answered simply.

"Why didn't we see each other for so long? I mean… we are friends, aren't we?"

"How is your wound, Seishirou-san?" – Subaru abruptly switched the subject.

He didn't think he was in condition to answer all man's questions. The situation was weird enough as it was. It seemed like Seishirou understood that, and let the matter go.

"I'm fine, don't worry," – he smiled again – gently, sincerely.

Subaru wondered if this was how he would be like, if he weren't the emotionless government assassin, if he weren't the Sakurazukamori? Would he always be smiling so honestly, actually _feeling _something? Would he actually be that kind veterinarian Subaru considered him for, during that year? Would Seishirou be able to lo…? Subaru abruptly cut the thought. That was impossible, so why bother.

"You'll need to rest when we come home. I'll have to go grocery shopping," – Subaru said out loud, suppressing a sigh – did he even go to grocery shopping this week? When was the last time he ate?

The assassin nodded obediently. The onmyouji suddenly found this ironical. This time _he_ was the one who knew everything, and Seishirou didn't.

_"Why, Seishirou-san. Should I make the Bet with you maybe?" – _Subaru shook his head violently, trying not to start laughing.

"Are you alright?" – Seishirou glanced at him with concern.

"Yes, don't worry about it," – Subaru replied a bit sharply. – "Everything's fine."

_"…not. This is **too **weird."_

"I'm sorry," – Seishirou said softly.

Subaru stopped in his tracks, turning to the man. Pedestrians were passing by on the street, not paying attention to the two men – just another two faces in a crowd of Tokyo's citizens.

"What for?"

"I… did something, didn't I?" – Seishirou's face looked pained. – "The way you act around me – you're always so tensed, as if expecting me to do something… bad?"

_"Don't upset him,"_ – Subaru remembered doctor's orders.

The onmyouji tried to relax and looked into Seishirou's mismatched eyes.

"It's alright, Seishirou-san," – he said softly. – "I was just… really surprised to see you after all this time. Lets go," – he forced a smile. – "You're probably hungry, and we still need to get home."

The assassin smiled to him slightly.

"Thank you, Subaru," – he said simply.

Subaru thought that, once again, he wanted to scream.

* * *

_"The fact that he remembered your name means you were really important to him," – _Subaru recalled those words as he was walking with Seishirou towards the subway station.

The onmyouji wondered if he was going insane, but the thought didn't leave his mind. To be important to Seishirou-san. Impossible. He didn't care, did he? He never cared. He didn't have emotions. But then why? How? Subaru felt his hands are shaking again.

"Seishirou-san?" – he began, when they sat in the train.

"Yes?"

"Why," – Subaru halted, gathering his courage. – "Why did you remember only my name?"

The assassin looked thoughtful.

"I don't really know," – he replied slowly. – "When I opened my eyes, the only thought I had at the time was 'Sumeragi Subaru-kun'," – Subaru winced, but Seishirou didn't notice, still drawn in his thoughts. – "And whenever I thought of that name, it felt warm. In here," – he put his hand on his chest.

Subaru stared.

"A bit painful, but at the same time warm," – the assassin clarified. – "So I thought that you must be really dear to me, and mean something important to me."

"Stop it," – Subaru was trembling, his eyes wide.

"Subaru?"

"Say no more," – the onmyouji pleaded. – "You're lying aren't you? You always do. Just stop it!"

Now it was Seishirou who was staring at him.

"I'm sorry," – he whispered, looking completely lost and puzzled. – "But I wasn't lying," – he added, averting his gaze from the onmyouji. – "I told you what I felt when I woke up, that's it. I didn't mean to hurt you."

Subaru whimpered incoherently, burying his face in his hands.

"So I really did something," – Seishirou stated darkly, after a while.

Subaru jerked up, looking warily at the assassin.

"And judging by your reaction, something really terrible. I'm a… bad person, aren't I?"

The onmyouji closed his eyes.

"I used to think so for a while," – he admitted. – "I used to think many things about you, never truly being able to understand your actions. But I'm no longer sure about anything. Because I… in spite of everything that happened, I want to believe that you're not a bad person."

"But you can't."

"I don't know. For the time being – I just don't know. I'm coming to terms with this… 'new you', should I say."

When the reply didn't come, Subaru glanced at Seishirou's face. He froze. Never before he saw this man wearing expression of such an honest sadness.

"Seishirou-san…" – Subaru breathed in bewilderment.

The assassin looked at him.

"I'm sorry," – was all he could say.

But his expression and emotions his eyes were showing spoke much more to Subaru. Suddenly the onmyouji thought that something good might come out of him taking Seishirou to his place after all.

* * *

Subaru unlocked the door and let Seishirou in his apartment. He thought that this was the craziest thing he'd done in his life. Somehow he didn't care anymore. The things Seishirou told him on the train – Subaru clung to those words like a drowning man clings to a straw. A crazy thought was burning in his mind ever since that talk – what if this new Seishirou is capable of experiencing true emotions? If he is – what if he… what if Subaru truly meant something to him?

Subaru knew this was crazy.

Subaru knew this was dangerous.

Subaru wanted this.

So many years he spent thinking and speculating about this man. So many years he tried to understand his motives and his personality, but failed. So many years he spent dreaming of how would it be, if back then things were different and Seishirou stayed with him. Could they be happy together? Could Seishirou love him?

Subaru glanced at the assassin, who was taking his coat off, looking around with curiosity. He caught the onmyouji's gaze and smiled insecurely. Subaru smiled back. This was utterly insane. But this was worth the try.

_"Hokuto-chan… you wanted me to be happy with him, didn't you? Regardless of everything, you still rooted for us back then. I wonder if I can at least try to be happy with this Seishirou-san."_

* * *

"Can I ask you something?"

Subaru looked up from his plate and nodded, encouraging Seishirou to continue. They were in Subaru's kitchen, eating dinner Seishirou made for them. It seemed that amnesia didn't affect his cooking skills – Subaru was glad about that, as his own cooking was rather poor.

"Could you, please, tell me about myself?" – the man asked. – "Who am I? What do I do for living? How old am I? Why am I blind in my right eye?"

Subaru winced at the last question. He hesitated. What was he going to say?

_"You're a government assassin that uses onmyoujitsu to kill, the Sakurazukamori. You're an archenemy of my clan. Five years ago you killed my sister and broke my heart. And even after that I couldn't stop thinking about you. As for your eye…"_

Subaru licked his lips nervously, trying to buy some time.

"Um… like I said, you're Sakurazuka Seishirou," – he began slowly, carefully choosing the words. – "You were veterinarian here in Shinjuku. You had your own clinic. I used to visit you there quite often."

"There was somebody else, wasn't there?"

Subaru's hand jerked.

"You remember?" – he asked sharply.

The assassin shook his head.

"I just vaguely thought that there was another person coming with you. Was I wrong?"

"You weren't wrong," – Subaru answered barely audible. – "But don't go there," – he cleared his throat. – "So, you were a veterinarian. Your age… you once told me your birthday, but the date was false, as I think now. I'm pretty sure though, you didn't lie about the year. So right now that would make you thirty."

"Wow, I'm old," – Seishirou laughed unexpectedly.

Subaru couldn't help but chuckle.

"You were always complaining that you were old and that you didn't have a good body," – he remarked. – "You were such a child."

Seishirou narrowed his eyes.

"You really do know me very well, don't you?"

Subaru's smile faded.

"We spent a lot of time together," – he said.

"And this?" – Seishirou pointed to his right eye.

There was no any specific emotion in his voice while asking that – only mild curiosity. Subaru looked down at his plate, poking the food with his chopsticks, feeling the old guilt coming over him again.

"This," – he said hoarsely. – "You defended me from a mad woman in hospital. She attacked me with a scalpel… and you jumped in between, saving me, but taking that wound for yourself."

Seishirou tilted his head aside.

"So I _was _right," – he stated gently.

"About what?"

"You _are_ very important to me."

Subaru shook his head.

"No. It wasn't that…"

"If you weren't precious to me, I doubt I'd do such a thing. I doubt anybody would. A person must be very special to another for such a sacrifice, aren't I right?"

Subaru felt a lump in his throat. He couldn't speak. Seishirou got up from his seat and came closer to Subaru. He knelt on one knee beside him, peering into his face inquisitively.

"Subaru," – the man asked gently, touching boy's cheek, making him look into his eyes. – "Were we in love?"

Subaru felt dizzy. His chest tightened and throat went dry. He truly felt like he was drowning now. Inside his head he was screaming for help and gasping for air. Outside, he was like a marble statue.

"Did we break up five years ago?" – Seishirou continued his questioning.

The onmyouji closed his eyes.

"You…" – his voice broke. – "You broke up with me," – he managed to say. – "As for me, I…" – he couldn't go on, but Seishirou understood.

"You never stopped loving me," – he concluded calmly.

Subaru felt like he stepped into the bottomless abyss, when he answered.

"Yes."

* * *

_**Road of Regrets: Repentance**_

* * *

Seishirou looked at Subaru's face, studying the boy. Subaru was sitting with his eyes tightly shut, biting his lips and clutching fists. It was obvious that emotions overwhelmed him. The onmyouji gasped, when he finally opened his eyes, seeing Seishirou's face mere inches away from his own.

"You are very beautiful, you know?" – Seishirou asked him, before leaning forward, and kissing him.

* * *

Subaru froze, startled, when he felt the assassin's lips pressed over his own. He stiffened in a complete shock, not knowing how to react, not daring to break the moment. Seishirou pulled away from him, a mischievous smile playing in the corner of his mouth, and sparks in his seeing eye. Suddenly Subaru felt the fear creeping down his spine.

_"What if he's toying with me again? What if this is just another game of his? How can I know for sure?"_

"You taste sweet," – the assassin observed, his tone calm and reserved.

Subaru kept looking at the man, his eyes opened wide in shock.

"Why did you kiss me?" – he asked almost inaudibly.

"Because I felt like it," – Seishirou shrugged. – "I thought it might help me remember."

Suddenly, Subaru laughed bitterly.

"You're still the same," – he ran his hand through his hair absently. – "Yes, you're still the same after all. You just do what you want, when you want, oh a whim."

Seishirou arched his eyebrow.

"Are you relieved I'm the same?"

Subaru smiled wryly.

"Lets put it this way – at least I know who am I dealing with."

"Fair enough."

* * *

He made Seishirou couch in the evening, and went to the bedroom himself. Subaru lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling, his hands crossed behind his head. His heart was racing, pounding at his ribs as if trying to jump out of his chest.

Seishirou kissed him.

He _kissed _him.

Subaru touched his lips with his fingers, recalling the sensation from that kiss. As brief as it was, it was enough for him to get lost in it completely. Should Seishirou the Sakurazukamori return in that moment, Subaru would be a goner, caught off guard. But this new Seishirou… the way he looked at him…

Subaru turned to his side, crouching in a fetal pose. His nerves finally gave in. This was way too much for him to handle at once. He sobbed silently into his pillow. This was too much to deal with, after so many years of emptiness, despair and pain.

"Nee-san," – he whispered into the darkness of his room, tears streaming down his face. – "What do I do now?"

He didn't know.

* * *

Few days have passed. Seishirou didn't make any attempt to kiss Subaru again, nor did he ask anything about his past anymore. He did the house chores and cooked for them, while Subaru was at work, but mostly Subaru caught the man drown deeply in his thoughts.

Subaru didn't like that. He felt uneasy when Seishirou was thinking about something and wasn't telling him. The onmyouji feared he might remember his past, or come to some strange conclusion, and everything would fall apart. He didn't want that. Not this time, not again.

It wasn't as if he trusted Seishirou, but he didn't want to be hostile either. Subaru was yet to find out what he really wanted from the man. But one thing he knew for sure now – he _did _love him. In spite of Hokuto's death by his hand, in spite of everything he's done – Subaru still loved him. The thought made him feel both fear and relief at the same time. At least he was finally honest with himself.

* * *

One evening Subaru came to Seishirou, who was getting ready for sleep on the couch, stretching out the blanket.

"Seishirou-san?" – the onmyouji called him softly.

The assassin looked up at him.

"Yes?"

Subaru took a step towards the man.

"I was wondering… I have a free day tomorrow… would you like to go out to a dinner with me?" – he smiled slightly.

Seishirou blinked, suddenly gaining a sly look.

"Are you inviting me on a date, Subaru?" – he asked.

The onmyouji firmly met his gaze.

"I think I do, actually," – he replied, sounding surprised with himself.

Seishirou came closer to Subaru, looking at him with amused expression. He raised Subaru's face by his chin, and studied his eyes, his other hand entwined around Subaru's waist. The boy didn't back away. He merely tensed a bit, but didn't try to break free from Seishirou's grip.

"Very well," – the assassin said then, releasing Subaru from his grasp, and turning away. – "The date it is then. Good thing we bought me a decent clothes," – he chuckled.

That night Subaru slept peaceful, his face calm in his sleep, and shadow of a smile hiding in corners of his lips.

* * *

Subaru chose a small restaurant in Ikebukuro. It was Seishirou who brought him here once, very long time ago, and now Subaru did the same. He wondered distantly what if Seishirou remembered. He glanced at the man – dressed in black suit and pale pink shirt – but Seishirou just smiled at him, without recognizing this place. Subaru studied his appearance briefly, before turning his gaze away – it was Seishirou who chose his clothes when they went to the mall to buy him new garments. Which meant that even without his memories, he still liked this particular style. Subaru wondered was that good or bad, and what did it mean, if anything. The man was always a mystery to him, now even more so.

"Subaru?" – Seishirou called, when they settled at the table outside – the evening was warm enough.

"Yes?" – the onmyouji was digging through his pocket, searching for his cigarettes.

He didn't smoke in front of Seishirou before, but now he felt like he wanted to.

"You never told me – where are you working?"

Subaru tensed a bit.

"I mean, you're going away practically every day, but you don't have any specific schedule, do you?"

Subaru shook his head slowly.

"I don't, you're right," – he smiled weakly. – "I… I'm an onmyouji."

The assassin raised his brows.

"A what?"

"It's… um," – Subaru tried to think of the best explanation to make it simple. – "I'm a spiritual protector of Japan in a way," – he sighed. – "I'm the thirteenth head of the Sumeragi clan, who has a long onmyoujitsu tradition."

Seishirou stared at him with amazement.

"Wow," – he commented.

Subaru couldn't help but laugh, seeing his expression.

"It's nothing that special, really," – he added tiredly. – "Brings me more trouble than any good, in fact."

Subaru pulled out his cigarette, but before he could find the lighter, he halted, seeing Seishirou's face.

"You're smoking," – the man stated, barely noticeable reprimand in his voice. – "It's bad for your health."

Subaru put the cigarette away.

"You care," – he said with disbelief.

"Pardon me?"

"You…" – Subaru was looking at the assassin intensely, as if trying to see something behind his eyes. – "You care about me?"

Seishirou looked hurt.

"Why, of course!" – he snorted. – "You don't think I should?"

"No!" – Subaru shook his head. – "It's… not that. I just thought you didn't care about me, that's all," – he lowered his gaze.

Seishirou smirked.

"Well, I do now," – he tilted his head aside. – "And I'm pretty sure I did before too, regardless of what you may think. By the way… do I smoke?"

Subaru took a sip of his tea before answering.

"You do," – he said quietly. – "_Mild Seven_," – his hand quivered again, and he put the cup down.

"Subaru, if you find it too difficult to deal with me, you don't have to."

The onmyouji looked up, startled, to find Seishirou looking at him with both concern and sadness in his eyes.

"I mean… I can leave. I'm alright now, I can take care of myself."

For a very long moment Subaru stared in his eyes, trying to make a choice. He inhaled deeply, calming himself.

"I don't want you to leave," – the onmyouji whispered eventually.

"Are you sure?" – Seishirou asked mildly. – "I'm not angry or anything, if that's what you're afraid of."

"No, I'm not afraid. I just don't want you to leave."

"But why?"

Subaru smiled at the man, as the decision was made.

"Because I love you, Seishirou-san."

* * *

As soon as Subaru locked the door behind them, when they got back home, Seishirou pulled him into embrace, kissing him. Subaru entwined his hands around Seishirou's neck, returning the kiss. The assassin looked at him, breathing deeply.

"You don't have to, if you don't want to," – he said a bit hoarsely.

Subaru smiled.

"You're such a child, Seishirou-san."

The onmyouji laughed, seeing Seishirou's offended expression. He pulled him closer, kissing him first this time, making the kiss deeper and more passionate. He parted his lips willingly, accepting Seishirou's tongue that slid into his mouth, exploring. Subaru thought hazily, this might be a trap, but dismissed the thought. At this moment he didn't care. If Seishirou was to kill him now, at least he'd die happy. The man stroked his cheek, and pulled away from him.

"You're too tense," – he said gently. – "Is everything alright?"

Subaru nodded, returning to reality.

"I'm sorry, Seishirou-san," – he suddenly blushed. – "I've never done something like this before, that's why."

"Oh?" – the assassin smirked, looking at Subaru through lowered lashes. – "In that case I'll claim the honor of taking you first," – he picked Subaru in his arms, looking at the boy's surprised face. – "You're mine now," – he declared, carrying him into the bedroom.

Subaru smiled, looking into Seishirou's eyes openly.

"I've always been yours, Seishirou-san. That never changed."

"Good. For I don't want that to change."

"Me neither."

_"After all,"_ – the onmyouji added mentally. – _"I've been waiting for this for far too long."_

"Oh, and Subaru?" – the assassin carefully put him onto the bed.

"Yes?"

"Call me just Seishirou, will you? After all, I call you just Subaru."

Subaru nodded, pulling the man closer.

"Seishirou," – he breathed, and smiled happily.

* * *

Subaru lay in his bed, staring in the darkness. He still couldn't believe that just a while ago he made love to the Sakurazukamori. After all this time he actually slept with his enemy. Only this Seishirou couldn't be his enemy. He was so gentle and kind – Subaru never thought the man could be like this. He closed his eyes for a moment, remembering Seishirou touching him and possessing him. Subaru couldn't deny he liked that sensation. He felt whole in the assassin's embrace. He felt happy and secure, no matter how paradoxical that may have seemed. Subaru touched the side of his neck, where Seishirou left a mark. Subaru's cheeks reddened a little. He already bore so many marks from that man. Subaru glanced at the back of his hand. The inverted pentagram flashed for a moment in the dark, then faded away. Subaru kissed the mark lightly, before turning to his left to look at the man's silhouette in the dark. Seishirou was already sleeping – Subaru could hear his calm and even breath.

The wild thought crossed his mind – he could seal them away. Subaru shuddered, his eyes widely opened in the darkness of the room.

Yes, he could.

He could seal Seishirou's memories away forever. The same way Seishirou did it to him when he was nine. Subaru could now do the same, only would make it permanent. Then the Sakurazukamori would never return. He would never leave him nor hurt him again. He would be his only. He would live with him, and smile to him, and he would recognize only him. They would live happily, Seishirou taking care of him, and Subaru working and returning home every evening, knowing he'll be greeted with a kiss and a smile.

Subaru shivered under his blanket.

He could seal the past away.

The onmyouji climbed out of the bed and fled for a bathroom, closing the doors behind. He splashed his face with cold water, and slumped to the floor, shaking from head to toe. Subaru bit his palm, muffling the scream away, trying to calm down.

He could do it, he could seal everything bad that happened away. There would be no fear that the Sakurazukamori might return. No doubt that Seishirou might've been playing all along. Subaru could seal all the memories away and be happy. It's only that if he did that… he wouldn't be happy. Because it would no longer be the real Seishirou-san, would it? It wouldn't be Seishirou's choice – it would be a mere imitation, not the true person anymore.

Subaru knew very well that Seishirou's memory would eventually return. He didn't hold onto illusion this would last forever. But when that time would come… Subaru wanted for the man to make his own free choice of what to do. Because even after all these years Subaru found himself believing in Seishirou. Even after all these years… he dared to hope that, when the time comes, the assassin would do the right thing.

_"Nee-san… is that foolish of me, to believe in him? I wish I knew the answers. I wish I knew. I don't want to be alone anymore. Not again."_

* * *

Seishirou came out of the kitchen, eyeing the onmyouji, who was pulling his coat on in the hall.

"Going to work?"

Subaru nodded, lacing his boots in a hurry.

"I'm already a bit late for a job. Your fault," – he added with accusation.

Seishirou chuckled.

"Why so?"

"I overslept, because somebody made me stay up late again last night," – Subaru arched his eyebrow mockingly.

"Don't tell me you didn't like it," – Seishirou's smirk was full of self-satisfaction.

He came to Subaru, pulling him into the hug. The onmyouji blushed slightly.

"I loved it," – he breathed honestly. – "And I love you. But I'm still late!" – he gave a quick kiss to Seishirou and turned away, running out of the apartment.

"Will you return before the dark?" – the assassin called after him, peering into the hallway.

"Yes!"

"I'll prepare dinner then!"

"Okay! Have a nice day, Seishirou!"

"Take care, Subaru!"

The onmyouji nodded, waving Seishirou goodbye, while the assassin closed the door and returned to the kitchen.

* * *

When Subaru came home later in the evening, he thought at first that he had mistaken the place. There were candles in the living room, and small bouquet of flowers on the table. The food was also ready, all Subaru's favorite dishes. Seishirou came out of the bedroom, fixing his tie, when he heard the clicking of the lock. He smiled at Subaru.

"Welcome home."

"I'm home," – Subaru answered mechanically, still staring at the table and candles. – "What is this, Seishirou?"

The assassin chuckled, seeing Subaru's expression.

"I merely thought to surprise you with a romantic home-made dinner," – he shrugged. – "Consider this as a little token of my appreciation to you."

Subaru blinked.

"But I didn't do anything special."

Seishirou stroked his hair and kissed him.

"You did. And you're still doing. _You _are special, Subaru."

The onmyouji closed his eyes.

"Say it again," – he pleaded. – "I need to hear you saying that again."

Seishirou smiled softly.

"You are very special to me, Subaru," – he leaned to whisper into the onmyouji's ear. – "I think I'm in love with you."

If Subaru weren't clinging to the man, he would've fallen.

"I wanted for you to say that for such a long time," – he breathed, burying his face into Seishirou's shirt.

"I don't know about the former me," – the assassin shrugged slightly. – "But, frankly spoken, I think I've always loved you. Just never told you that, perhaps. So I'm telling you know – I love you, Subaru."

* * *

In that moment Subaru was the happiest man in the world.

In that moment Subaru felt the strongest urge until now to erase all the memories of Seishirou's past forever to keep him by his side.

In that moment Subaru stood motionless in the assassin's embrace, his face hidden in Seishirou's shirt, his shoulders tensed.

In that moment Subaru's eyes were full of tears – but were those tears of joy, or tears of sadness, he didn't know.

* * *

One night, couple of months later, he said it to Seishirou.

"I wish your memory never returns to you."

He said it, lying in the crook of Seishirou's arm, his own arm entwined around the assassin's waist, caressing the bare skin of his lover. Seishirou glanced at him, frowning slightly.

"Why?"

"You'll leave me, if it will. You'll either walk away, or you'll kill me," – the onmyouji said, his voice laden with sadness. – "And to be honest, I'd prefer the latter, rather than to lose you again. That's why I wish you'd stay like this forever. With no memory of the past. Just here, with me."

Seishirou hugged the boy gently.

"I don't want for it to return either," – he admitted. – "Because I'm happy to be like this with you."

"But it's impossible, isn't it?"

"I do not know."

Subaru sighed.

"But," – Seishirou continued. – "I wasn't telling lie when I said I loved you before too, you know. That much I remember."

Subaru shook his head.

"No, you couldn't."

"Why?"

The onmyouji bit his lip.

"You just… couldn't."

"But I did. And I do now. And while we're at it, I think I always will. Because it's you."

"If only you knew, how much do I wish for these words to be true."

"That makes the two of us," – Seishirou gently ruffled boy's hair. – "Sleep now. And please, don't be sad. I love it when you smile to me. You're so beautiful, and you deserve to be happy. So don't cry, Subaru."

"Stay with me then. Forever."

Seishirou smiled.

"I will. That's why you don't have to be sad anymore."

"Promise?"

"Yes."

"I trust you."

_"Even though I know it's not the kind of promise you can keep… Seishirou-san."_

* * *

_**Road to Oblivion: Forgetfulness**_

* * *

It's been eight months since Subaru brought Seishirou to his home. Eight months since his life changed in the ways he couldn't imagine. There were moments, very often, during those five years of solitude after Hokuto's death, when he would dream about living with Seishirou, being the true couple with him. He used to imagine how they would be doing many things together, smiling and caring for each other. And how Hokuto would visit them, and everything would be just like during the year of the Bet. It hurt him each time, yet still he was escaping into those fantasies. After all, during that time it was all he had.

But now his fantasies were reality. For eight months already he lived his dream. And he was happy. He cherished every moment even more, constantly fearing it might be the last one, fearing that Seishirou would remember. He cherished and loved every night when he fell asleep in Seishirou's embrace. He feared to let the man go sometimes, clinging to him, just to feel the warmth of his skin beneath his palms, carving every curve of the assassin's body into his memory.

Subaru also noticed that Seishirou did the same – it looked like the man was trying hard too, in doing his best and making everything as comfortable as he could for Subaru. He was cooking his favorite food, and always was so gentle and kind to Subaru.

But above all else Subaru held the memory of Seishirou telling him he loved him. He repeated that moment and those words in his mind countless times. He prayed to all gods he could think of, that the assassin truly meant it. He prayed for it to be true.

Still, Subaru's utopia couldn't last forever.

* * *

It happened one November morning. The night before everything went as usual – making love, and then falling asleep in each other's embrace. The morning itself was no different from any other one too. Seishirou took a shower and went into the kitchen to prepare their breakfast, while Subaru was dressing and tidying up their room.

It was then that the onmyouji heard it – sound of shattering glass, and Seishirou's cry from the kitchen. Subaru fled to him immediately. He saw Seishirou kneeling on the floor, the shards of teacup in front of him. The man was clutching his temples with his palms. Subaru hurried to him.

"Seishirou, what's wrong?" – he asked worriedly, touching his shoulder.

The next moment he cried out in pain, when his head slammed against the stove, Seishirou's hand at his throat, squeezing it roughly. Subaru opened his eyes, trying to focus his gaze upon the man's face.

"Seishirou…" – he tried to say something, but the assassin tightened his grip, and Subaru choked.

"And since when am I 'Seishirou' to you, Subaru-kun?" – golden eye of the natural predator was looking at Subaru both cautiously and mockingly at the same time.

_"Subaru-**kun**."_

The onmyouji felt his heart sinking. His limbs suddenly went limp. He didn't even try to struggle free from Seishirou's grip, even though by now he was seriously lacking air. His eyes grew dim, the veil of sadness covering their usual shine.

"You remembered," – he managed to wheeze out.

_"Welcome back… Seishirou-san,"_ – Subaru closed his eyes in defeat.

The fairy tale was over.

* * *

Seishirou didn't let him angst over it for too long though. He shook the onmyouji, still holding him by his throat.

"What is the meaning of this?" – he hissed coldly, his seeing eye never leaving Subaru's face.

He loosened his hold on Subaru just so much so he could speak.

"Don't you… recall… by yourself?" – the onmyouji whispered.

He turned his head – as much as he could in his position – to the fridge door. The Sakurazukamori followed his gaze. Subaru felt his hand stiffening on his throat. Then, abruptly, Seishirou let him go, and straightened up, coming closer to the fridge. The onmyouji collapsed to the floor, coughing violently and gasping for air. He cut his hand, accidentally leaning his palm over the shards of the cup, still coughing.

Meanwhile, the assassin was studying the door of Subaru's fridge. There were photos placed all over it. Photos of the two of them in some amusement park, smiling, hugging, eating ice cream and laughing… Seishirou was staring at them, his eyes wide. Subaru thought hazily, this is a historical moment – the Sakurazukamori in his true form, yet expressing surprise. He wanted to laugh, but coughed instead.

"What are these?" – the assassin demanded sharply.

"Three month ago," – Subaru said hoarsely, not raising his gaze from the floor. – "We went to Hanayashiki on a date," – he halted, coughing again, and closing his eyes for a moment. – "I've explained to you before that it's not particularly good for an onmyouji to take a photo," – Subaru smiled bitterly. – "But you still begged me to do at least few. Because, you said back then, you didn't want to forget that moment. You said that, should your memory return, this would be reminder of the time we spent together. You said that," – Subaru felt his eyes watering, the first tears streaming down his cheeks. – "This way you'll still know that you…" – he chocked on the words, unable to finish, sobbing silently on the floor.

The Sakurazukamori didn't make a sound or any comment to that, still looking at the photos, studying them intensely. Then his gaze fell onto the calendar in the corner of the fridge. He drew a sharp breath.

"Impossible," – he said. – "It was supposed to be April."

He finally turned to Subaru, looking at the writhed onmyouji on the floor with a frown.

"It was April," – Subaru corrected barely audible. – "When I picked you from a hospital with amnesia. It's November now. And yes, all this time… we lived together. As a couple."

The Sakurazukamori stared. Subaru thought sourly, that his day didn't start well at all.

* * *

Seishirou glanced at the photos again. His face was unreadable, the way Subaru remembered him from that day five years ago. But he thought there was also something else at the bottom of his eyes. Subaru got up slowly, wincing, when he touched his wounded palm. Sensing the movement, Seishirou turned to him, cautiously watching his actions.

"I've spent here eight months? With you?"

Subaru nodded.

"Don't you remember that time?"

The assassin didn't answer.

"Why didn't you kill me?" – he asked instead.

The onmyouji looked up at him with incomprehension.

"Why would I?"

"I killed your sister. Or have you forgotten that, my little cute Subaru-kun?" – the assassin asked in mocking tone.

Subaru shuddered. The blood dripped to the floor from his hand.

"I haven't forgotten," – he said quietly. – "But I couldn't leave you in the condition you were either."

"You truly are… too kind," – Seishirou's voice sounded almost tender.

The Sakurazukamori suddenly went out of the room for a moment, returning with the first aid kit he fetched from the bathroom.

"Give me your hand," – he said, his voice devoid of any emotion.

Subaru stepped closer to him, extending his right hand obediently. He gasped, when Seishirou poured the disinfecting agent over his cut.

"Why you?" – Seishirou asked with curiosity, wrapping bandage over Subaru's hand after he cleaned the wound.

His movements were firm and gentle. Subaru wasn't sure what to think of this sudden development of things.

"Why what me?" – he asked dumbly.

"Why was it you who came to pick me up from a hospital?"

Subaru sighed.

"The doctor called me. He said my name was the only thing you could remember," – he answered, avoiding to look into Seishirou's eyes.

The assassin's hand twitched slightly, as he finished bandaging Subaru's hand.

"And why on earth would I remember your name only?"

Subaru raised his head and looked into his eyes.

"I can only guess. Same reason why you stayed here with me all this time. Same reason why, even though you didn't know who I was to you, you longed for me. And same reason why now you did this," – he raised his bandaged hand.

"And that would be…?" – Seishirou's voice was threateningly cold.

Subaru merely looked at him.

"You love me, Seishirou-san."

* * *

Seishirou found himself staring at the onmyouji in disbelief again.

"What?"

Subaru calmly met his gaze.

"You love me," – he repeated. – "You said that to me by yourself. And more than once. Also, you told me that you loved me 'before' too."

"You know I cannot feel anything, Subaru-kun," – Seishirou objected with amusement in his eyes.

"Yes, that was what I said to you too – that it's impossible. But you kept claiming the opposite. You said that you remembered that much – that you have loved me for a long time, but never admitted it to me."

The assassin narrowed his eyes. Subaru wondered will he grab him by his throat again – Seishirou sure looked like he was going to. Suddenly, the Sakurazukamori stepped away.

"Get dressed properly," – he said, his tone expressionless. – "We're going out."

"Out?" – Subaru blinked in confusion.

"Yes. I need to hear the whole explanation to this, and I'd prefer to do so during a proper lunch. So go get dressed, Subaru-kun."

The onmyouji nodded slowly, and carefully walked past Seishirou to the bedroom.

_"This is turning beyond weird," – _he thought.

* * *

They were sitting in a café by the window. The assassin looked calm and reserved, as usual, while Subaru was clearly nervous. He took a sip of his tea, not daring to look at Seishirou after he finished his story. He told him everything – how he saw him in hospital, what he felt back then, how he brought him home… All their talks, all the things they were doing together. Subaru didn't see any reason to keep it secret. Or maybe, deep inside, he was hoping that Seishirou would remember these past months he spent with him.

The Sakurazukamori didn't interrupt Subaru, listening carefully to everything, while drinking his coffee and smoking cigarette – he stopped to buy a pack of _Mild Seven_ along the way.

"Why didn't you do it?" – he asked curiously, when the onmyouji finished. – "Why didn't you seal my memories away? Being the professional you are, you could do it easily enough. Especially when I was completely off guard, and had no mental defense at the time."

Subaru looked at the man tiredly.

"Because I wanted for you to make your own free choice. I was aware of the fact your amnesia wouldn't last forever. Doctors said otherwise, but they didn't count on your magical abilities and faster healing."

"But you knew."

"Yes. I knew you would regain your memory. So… I didn't want to erase the real you, I might say. I wanted for you to decide by yourself what are you going to do, when you remember."

Seishirou smiled with a corner of his mouth.

"You're too kind, Subaru-kun."

"I hate that sometimes," – the onmyouji admitted. – "But that's who I am."

The Sakurazukamori was looking at Subaru thoughtfully.

"I believe you deserve to know what happened in the first place," – he remarked.

Subaru wrinkled his brow.

"You remember what happened to you?"

Seishirou nodded.

"Not every little detail, but I can assume. It was my target," – he looked at Subaru with challenge, expecting the pained reaction from the onmyouji.

Subaru didn't let Seishirou get his pleasure though, calmly returning his gaze. The bruises from Seishirou's fingers were clearly seen on the pale skin of his throat. Seishirou wondered distantly, why didn't he put the scarf on.

"But this particular victim of mine," – the assassin continued. – "Was well aware of his abilities, unfortunately. No, he wasn't stronger than me, not even equal," – Seishirou chuckled at the thought. – "But he had some guts. He attacked me and I dodged, but I failed to see it was his actual plan – he made the building collapse over us. I did finish him off before he got away, but I wasn't able to avoid some of the falling rubble. I didn't know I was hit _that _badly though," – he sounded a bit surprised.

Subaru nodded.

"I assumed it might be something like that," – he said mildly, spinning his cup between his hands.

"If I may ask you one thing, Subaru-kun," – the Sakurazukamori tilted his head aside, sparks of slyness in his left eye.

"Yes?"

"You said you loved me."

Subaru closed his eyes.

"I do. Regardless of everything."

"But whom is it you love?" – the man asked with slight irony in his tone. – "The vet you knew when you were sixteen? The happy-go-lucky person I was during these months? Or Seishirou the Sakurazukamori? Whom is it exactly you're in love with, Subaru-kun?"

* * *

Subaru was taken by surprise with that question. Truth to be told, he never really _thought _about that. He just knew he loved Seishirou. But… which Seishirou was it? He frowned.

The assassin looked amused, seeing emotions overwhelming the onmyouji. He leaned back in his chair, smirking slightly, and crossed his hands before his chest.

"You don't know, do you?"

Subaru shook his head.

"No, it's… not that."

"Oh?"

"I just…" – Subaru twirled his hand, trying to find the words. – "I don't know how to explain so you can understand it," – he looked at the man, still frowning a bit.

"Try me?" – the assassin shrugged.

Subaru inhaled deeply, twisting his face in pain a little. Seishirou noticed that, and made a mental note that he went a bit too far with gripping Subaru's throat today.

"I love _you_," – Subaru said simply. – "It doesn't matter to me who are you. The vet, the housewife," – he chuckled nervously here. – "Or the government assassin. It's still _you_. And it is _you _whom I love. Just you – Sakurazuka Seishirou," – he smiled wryly. – "I can't make it clearer than that."

"It's alright, Subaru-kun. I understand."

"You do?"

"You didn't tell me, did you?" – Seishirou suddenly asked.

"Told you what?"

"Who I am. And what I've done to you. You didn't tell me."

Subaru licked his lips.

"I… was afraid it would upset you. And doctor said not to upset you," – he replied.

"No, that wasn't the reason," – Seishirou shook his head. – "You didn't want to ruin your little domestic paradise by it, that's why," – he stated.

Subaru clenched his fists.

"No! I was just…" – he halted.

What did he want to achieve by not telling Seishirou, really? Yes, he didn't want to upset him – that partially was the reason he didn't talk about his past. Also, Seishirou himself didn't ask, probably realizing Subaru wasn't prone to talk about it. And Subaru used that excuse not to raise that topic anymore. Afraid to ruin his "domestic paradise" indeed.

"Well then," – Subaru jerked, startled, when Seishirou stood up from his seat, taking his coat. – "This conversation sure was interesting. Thank you for the meal and explanation, Subaru-kun. Also, thank you for taking care of me for such a long time. You truly are a kind person."

Subaru's heart seemed to stop beating for a moment.

_"He is… he is **leaving**?"_ – the onmyouji's eyes filled with despair.

"No…" – he breathed.

The assassin didn't hear him – or pretended not to hear.

"I'm sorry I won't be walking you home," – Seishirou said carelessly. – "I have some work to do."

He bowed to Subaru slightly, and the next moment he was gone, leaving the onmyouji alone at the table.

* * *

Subaru stared at the place Seishirou sat a few moments ago.

_"He left," _– the thought was screaming in his mind. – _"He left, he left me again, **he left me again**!"_

Subaru jumped from his chair, grabbed his coat and flew to the street.

"Seishirou-san! Seishirou-san!" – he called desperately, running mindlessly through the crowd.

Of course, the man was nowhere in sight.

"Seishirou-san, please!"

_"Seishirou-san…"_

Not paying attention at the looks people were giving him, Subaru kept running, sobbing and calling for the Sakurazukamori.

_"You **left **me again."_

* * *

Subaru returned to his apartment late in the evening. He wasn't in a hurry to get there. There was nothing there for him anymore. Instant noodles and answering machine era apparently was back. Subaru smirked sourly, opening the door to his place. He felt empty and numb from all the tears he shed today.

He blinked in surprise, entering his apartment.

The lights were on. And there were two big bags on the floor in the hall, one partially unpacked.

"What…?" – Subaru whispered, completely confused.

"You're late," – Seishirou came out from the living room, his face absolutely expressionless. – "The supper went cold."

Subaru stepped away until he slammed into the door with his back, staring at the assassin with wide eyes.

"I expected you would return earlier today," – Seishirou continued calmly. – "I cleaned the kitchen, so don't worry about that broken cup."

"But you…" – Subaru stuttered. – "You went away…"

Seishirou glanced at him mockingly.

"As much as I appreciate you buying me clothes, Subaru-kun, I kind of missed my old suits and coats, and credit cards, so I went to get them from my place," – he nodded towards the bags. – "I had some business to take care of before that though, so I haven't finished unpacking yet."

"Business?" – Subaru felt stupid.

Seishirou smirked.

"I was out of everything for eight months. My 'employers', if you will, were quite upset, you know. I had to report I'm still alive and kicking, so to say."

Subaru looked at his face.

"Why?"

"Because I want to keep getting my paycheck?" – the man offered, shrugging.

"No, not that," – Subaru waved off his hand impatiently. – "Why are you here?"

Seishirou came to the onmyouji, tilting his head aside, and smiling slightly.

"You said today that you wanted me to make my own free choice, as I recall," – he said.

Subaru stopped breathing for a moment, expecting the next phrase. His heart threatened to jump out of his chest, beating so loud he thought Seishirou could hear it. The Sakurazukamori shrugged again, and continued.

"I made it."

Subaru felt his legs giving in. He would've fallen, if Seishirou wouldn't catch him, supporting him gently, but firmly.

"Subaru-kun?"

Subaru grabbed Seishirou's shoulders, clinging to him, trembling with his whole body.

"You remember?"

The assassin shook his head.

"It's all too hazy. But I think I will, once it settles down."

"Does that mean…" – Subaru asked hoarsely. – "Does that mean you're staying? Here? With me?"

Seishirou looked at him.

"Yes," – he answered simply. – "Besides," – he added. – "You told me there were some very interesting things you were doing with me," – Seishirou smirked seductively. – "Things that I'd like to try out by myself too, you know – I hate not remembering _that _part."

Subaru blushed.

"S-Seishirou-san!"

The man laughed. Subaru looked at him seriously.

"But still… why?" – the onmyouji demanded.

He needed to hear it.

"Because," – Seishirou said slowly, with possessive sparks in his seeing eye. – "You were right," – he nodded towards Subaru's bandaged hand.

It was all Subaru needed to know.

He hugged Seishirou tightly, sobbing again, but this time because of relief. He finally relaxed, when the assassin hugged him back.

"Seishirou-san," – Subaru whispered, burying his face in the Sakurazukamori's shirt.

"Mmm?"

"Don't ever leave me again."

Seishirou smiled.

"I won't. So don't cry anymore, Subaru-kun. I like it when you smile to me," – Subaru remembered him saying the same thing few months ago.

And so he looked up at him, and smiled, and the smile was reflecting in his eyes too.

* * *

"…Oh, and Subaru-kun?"

"Y-yes?"

"A minor change in the rules – I prefer the right side of the bed."

Subaru couldn't help but laugh to that.

* * *

**_Annex: facts that didn't make it into the story, but are pretty interesting_**

* * *

- Seishirou figured pretty fast that he was far from an angel to Subaru, but also he felt a huge attachment to him, so he stopped wondering about his past in order not to make Subaru sad, and also he decided to just enjoy the time with Subaru while it lasts.

- Subaru quit smoking after that date with Seishirou in Ikebukuro. Seishirou also didn't smoke during those months, but picked it up immediately after he regained his memory. Subaru didn't smoke again though. He didn't need it anymore. But he found Seishirou very alluring when the man smoked, so he didn't mind it.

- One night Subaru was itching so badly to erase Seishirou's memories that he actually already took ofuda in his hand and would've done it, but Seishirou turned in his sleep, and when Subaru saw his peaceful face, his hand dropped and he fled to the bathroom instead, where he cried for several hours, loathing himself for almost doing that.

- On that date in Hanayashiki Seishirou asked Subaru very seriously to take a photos with them. He knew deep inside, his memory would return soon, and he was afraid he might hurt Subaru when it would. That's why he convinced Subaru in taking those photos - so that he sees them later, and understands that Subaru means a lot to him. It was a message from himself to himself, so to say. Good thing it actually got through.

- When Seishirou left Subaru in the cafe, he went to his own place, where he spent the most of the day deeply in thoughts, contemplating over everything he heard from Subaru, and everything he remembered. He thought at first to forget about it and dismiss the whole ordeal. Yet in the end, he decided on a whim to give it a try. Deep inside he was tired of being alone, and also the way Subaru looked at him - there was something in that look that got through to him, and so Seishirou made a choice. Also, he was terribly curious about, well, having sex with Subaru. *smirks*

- After the end of the fic Seishirou apologized to Subaru about hurting his throat, explaining he was caught by surprise, and thus his sharp reaction to it.

- Seishirou-with-amnesia was always gentle and very observant and cautious during sex with Subaru, so that he doesn't hurt him. Seishirou-the-Sakurazukamori is much more dominant and controlling. Subaru will be very scared for the first time when this Seishirou makes love to him, but though he is more rough and more dangerous, he'll also be careful not to hurt Subaru, because, as childish and spoiled brat as he is, he appreciates Subaru's trust to him.

- They won't have all milk and honey in their life - there will be fights and misunderstandings, and Seishirou will be leaving several times, always returning to Subaru though. He would be mostly afraid of his feelings towards Subaru, but, of course, would never admit anything like that. Subaru, on his part, will have to learn to be very patient with this big child, and it will all work out in the end. After all, they both love each other, no matter how dysfunctional their relationship may seem from aside.


	2. Chapter 2

**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own anything, hearts and souls, and characters belong to CLAMP.

* * *

**_(Just Like) Starting Over – omake_**

* * *

Subaru remembered how was it like, to be kissed by Seishirou before he regained his memory. That Seishirou was very gentle, careful and observant. He made sure Subaru felt comfortable, often smiling at him, openly and sincerely. Seishirou back then was trying his best to make sure Subaru feels at ease with him, never pressing him to do anything, always being very, very kind.

This Seishirou was different. He was supposed to be close and familiar to Subaru, yet seemed distant and unreadable. Subaru felt like he's living with a stranger, who isn't too willing to let him find out his secrets, or to let Subaru get closer to him.

The onmyouji was trying to get to know him the way he was now, but it seemed that Seishirou is prone to let his guard down and lower the fence he built unconsciously around himself. Subaru was often catching Seishirou's wary gaze upon him, when the assassin was drawn into thoughts, contemplating over something. Subaru wondered what the man could be thinking, but he knew better than to ask – this Seishirou wouldn't answer anything anyway, Subaru understood at least that much about him.

Also, this Seishirou wasn't smiling.

When he wore his mask during the year of the Bet, Seishirou was ever cheerful, but now that he didn't have to wear a mask in front of Subaru anymore, he didn't smile. Subaru was curious if that's his true persona without the veterinarian facade – indifferent, reserved and serious. He wished he could ask, but he knew all his tries would lead to the same conclusion.

* * *

"Why won't you talk to me?" – Subaru confronted the man couple of weeks after Seishirou moved in.

"What do you mean, Subaru-kun?" – the assassin feigned surprise, while his seeing eye immediately grew dark and calculating.

Subaru was annoyed with the situation, but tried to suppress that, keeping his tone calm.

"After that evening, when you returned, we didn't have any decent talk. And it seems like you're avoiding me. Seishirou-san, if there is something wrong, I'd like to know."

"There is nothing wrong," – it was then that Seishirou flashed one of his fake smiles to Subaru.

The onmyouji's eyes darkened.

"I'm not sixteen anymore. I know when you're lying. Especially when it's so obvious."

The Sakurazukamori snorted.

"If you consider yourself adult, you should know when it's the right time to stop questioning," – he turned to walk away, but Subaru put his palm firmly on the man's shoulder, not allowing him to leave.

"Seishirou-san!" – the next moment he gasped and froze, terrified, when the assassin roughly grabbed him by his arm.

Seishirou's eye lit up with ember color. He looked exactly like on that day, when he told Subaru about the Bet – sparks of dark amusement in his eye, radiating deadly aura and sheer danger around.

"You don't want me to break your arm again now, do you, Subaru-kun?" – he hissed.

The onmyouji didn't dare to speak – at that moment he felt like he's sixteen again, caught by surprise and off guard. He chided himself mentally for forgetting how Seishirou could be like, when he's acting like his true self. After living with him for all these months Subaru didn't keep any guard around the man anymore. It looked like that was his mistake.

The Sakurazukamori abruptly let Subaru go, pushing him away, making the boy stumble few steps back, and left the room, not saying a word. Subaru heard the front door closing soon afterwards.

It took him several minutes to regain his composure and calm down. He hated to admit it… but he was afraid of this Seishirou.

"We seriously need to work on the trust issue here, if we want for this to work out, Seishirou-san," – Subaru muttered, pouring water into the kettle to make a tea. – "And mind you, I'm not the one who'll be a bigger obstacle in this matter."

* * *

Seishirou unlocked the door and stepped into his own apartment. The place looked rather deserted now that he didn't live here anymore. Seishirou sat down onto his bed and lit the cigarette, tilting his head aside. His expression was completely unreadable.

He came here, when he left Subaru in the cafe weeks ago. He spent hours here then, thinking about everything Subaru told him how they lived together for so long. He tried to remember it, but back then it was all too blurry. There was a moment when Seishirou seriously considered the option to dismiss it all, and forget about the whole ordeal. But as he was preparing to take a bath, he suddenly remembered the way Subaru looked at him. There was something in his eyes… and also those photos on Subaru's fridge…

The assassin rubbed his eyes and sighed tiredly.

That day Seishirou decided to return merely on a whim. He wanted to see could they still be together, despite him remembering everything. After all, it was pretty…exciting, should he say, living together with his Subaru-kun. Especially as a real couple. Seishirou smirked, when he though of the things they might've been doing together. He was really curious about that part.

But the Sakurazukamori didn't take into account his own emotions back then. And now he found it too difficult to cope with the realization that he could actually feel, let alone feel sincerely. It was hard for Seishirou to accept that, and to accept himself like that – simply because he wasn't used to it, he wasn't used to _feel_.

"_Of course, there are sins that cannot be undone… but there are no people who cannot love, Sei."_

"_Because you love me."_

Seishirou frowned, remembering those words Hokuto and Subaru told him.

His memories gradually settled, and now he could more or less recall all these months with Subaru. He felt rather disturbed about some moments, as well as about his certain words and actions.

Seishirou was sure for all these years that Subaru wanted to kill him to avenge the death of his sister. He never imagined that his Subaru-kun's true wish might be entirely different one, yet these months with him proved Seishirou's assumptions wrong. Subaru really didn't want to kill him. Even more so…

"_I don't want you to leave. Because I love you, Seishirou-san."_

The assassin exhaled the smoke and closed his eyes.

"This is completely messed up, Subaru-kun. I… don't know what should I do," – he didn't want to admit it even to himself, but it was true.

He simply didn't know how to act anymore.

* * *

He returned to Subaru's place the next day closer to the evening, carrying bags with fresh vegetables and other food. The assassin unlocked the door quietly, and stepped into the dark hall.

"I'm home," – he said.

Nobody answered. Seishirou frowned slightly. Subaru-kun wasn't home?

The assassin carried the bags with food to the kitchen, sorting things to put into the fridge for later, and those he was planning to cook now. Then he went out of the kitchen and peered into the living room. He squinted, trying to get used to the dark.

"There you are," – he muttered, seeing Subaru's silhouette on couch.

The onmyouji was asleep – apparently he was working and dozed off. Seishirou came closer to Subaru, and fixed the blanket on him, careful not to wake the boy. Then he went back to the kitchen to make a supper for the two of them, when Subaru-kun wakes up.

* * *

Subaru opened his eyes and inhaled a delicious scent spreading across the rooms. He blinked in confusion, trying to shake off the remnants of sleep. Fresh food in the kitchen could only mean one thing. The onmyouji frowned. This situation can't go on like this anymore. They need to talk.

* * *

Seishirou had just finished preparing the table, when Subaru stepped inside. The onmyouji's gaze was wary and cautious. Seishirou noticed that Subaru is making sure to keep a distance from him, standing in the doorway. The Sakurazukamori sighed.

"I'm sorry I left yesterday," – it was difficult to say it.

"_Sorry seems to be the hardest word,"_ – he recalled the line from the song, making effort to suppress an unexpected chuckle.

Subaru didn't answer. He kept looking at Seishirou, as if expecting for the man to attack at any moment. The assassin, moving slowly and raising his hands to show he means no harm, came closer to Subaru.

"I guess I'm having a hard time to accept everything that has happened since my accident," – Seishirou continued. – "I do apologize for my behavior lately, for that matter."

The onmyouji seemed to relax a tiny bit.

"Was it so difficult to admit that?" – he asked quietly.

"_You have no idea,"_ – the Sakurazukamori had to suppress nervous chuckle once again.

"Seishirou-san," – Subaru took a step towards him, looking into his eyes. – "If we want for this to work out – for _us _to work out – we need to talk. To communicate," – the boy shook his head disapprovingly, his voice sounding very serious. – "This isn't going anywhere unless we _talk _and deal with the problems that may arise. It may be hard, but… to communicate and to build a mutual trust is the only way. Otherwise it's just pointless, and it will be no different from the two strangers living together," – Subaru finished, looking at Seishirou with a strange expression, as if he was wondering did he go too far and will the assassin get angry.

To his surprise, Seishirou merely nodded.

"I know. But as you might've noticed, I'm not used to talk."

Subaru smiled a little.

"Well, we _are _talking now, aren't we?"

Something stirred in Seishirou's eyes. Then he smirked.

"One may call that a progress."

* * *

One night, when they were already in bed, Seishirou suddenly turned to Subaru.

"Subaru-kun, are you asleep?"

"No, not yet," – the onmyouji shifted, turning to face the assassin too. – "Is something wrong?"

It seemed that Seishirou hesitated.

"Do you find it too difficult to deal with me?"

Subaru raised his brows in surprise.

"You asked me that once before already."

The man looked at Subaru with very serious expression.

"I know. But I wasn't quite myself before, was I? After all now you're facing not the man who is harmless and easy going, but the man who killed your sister and broke you, and whom you wanted to kill for all these years."

Subaru sighed and smiled somewhat sadly.

"Seishirou-san… I know what I will now say might seem strange, but…" – the onmyouji halted, trying to find the words he needed. – "I've been thinking a lot lately. About all that happened, and about all that is happening. And I've realized I'm no longer angry with you. I've seen you, how you've been like all these months, and now too, and," – Subaru shrugged under his blanket. – "I decided to accept my feelings towards you, as well as this situation in a whole. I decided to move on, and make use of the present, instead of drowning in the past."

"You've changed," – Seishirou observed quietly, studying the onmyouji in the dark of the room.

"I have been changed," – the boy agreed. – "By you, I suppose," – he added, looking calmly at the Sakurazukamori.

"And you don't think it's such a bad thing?"

"Not anymore."

"Why?"

Subaru chuckled softly.

"If it weren't for you, I wouldn't become this… egoistic," – he looked at the assassin, smiling with the corner of his mouth.

Seishirou's eyes widened.

"Egoistic? You, of all people?"

Subaru moved closer to him, hesitantly and shyly touching the Sakurazukamori's cheek, and nodded.

"Isn't it egoistic from me to desire you, even though I know who you are?" – he whispered.

Seishirou tensed for a moment at Subaru's touch, but then curiosity got the best of him.

"So you desire me?" – he whispered back to Subaru, pulling him closer and caressing the boy's spine through the thin fabric of his pajamas.

Subaru trembled at the sensation from Seishirou's fingers. It felt… different now, yet just as pleasant as before. He shifted closer to Seishirou, nuzzling his face into the man's chest, arching slightly in his arms. A distant thought crossed Subaru's mind – that what he is doing now is foolish and dangerous, but the onmyouji found himself unable to stop. He missed that feeling of being one with Seishirou, and for the moment it was all that mattered to him.

"We haven't done anything like this in a long time," – Subaru blushed, looking at the assassin through half-lidded eyes. – "So yes, I do desire you. Very much."

The Sakurazukamori smirked, playful sparks in his seeing eye.

"Well then, I can tell you that feeling is mutual, my beloved Subaru-kun."

* * *

"You know, you should try to relax a little," – Seishirou's voice sounded mocking, as he was looking down at Subaru, who was lying on the bed.

The assassin was sitting atop of him, studying the boy with interest. He knew Subaru had sex with him many times when he had no memories, but this would be their first time together after his memory returned – and the onmyouji was clearly nervous.

And not only nervous, Seishirou remarked mentally, when he felt how Subaru tensed the moment Seishirou pressed his wrists down to the bed, blocking his movement. Subaru's eyes were wide and scared.

Seishirou sighed. At this rate they aren't going anywhere. The assassin released the boy from his grip, looking at him with mild irony.

"You don't trust me," – he stated. – "Talking about the trust issue here," – he added with accusation, and snorted.

"N-no, I just…" – Subaru bit his lip, looking at the man uncertainly.

"You know I'm right, don't bother with the excuses. You don't trust me," – the assassin repeated emotionlessly. – "You are afraid of me. You flinch at every touch, and you look as terrified as a prey before a muzzle of hunter's gun."

"But you _are _a hunter," – Subaru whispered.

Seishirou tsked in annoyance.

"Maybe during my job. Not during other certain… activities, Subaru-kun."

The onmyouji shifted uncomfortably, looking rather guilty.

"Subaru-kun," – Seishirou tried to make his voice sound patient and soothing. – "I do not have intention of breaking you or harming you in any way. We did make a deal to talk and try to trust each other after all, didn't we?"

Subaru looked up at him, trying to find the catch in the man's words. Seishirou looked serious though.

"Yes," – the onmyouji answered then. – "We did."

"If you don't want to do something, you can just say it, not behave like I'm about to kill you, you know?" – Seishirou began to get up, but Subaru unexpectedly grabbed his pajamas' shirt, pulling him closer.

"No, Seishirou-san, stay," – he looked into the Sakurazukamori's mismatched eyes with a silent plea. – "I'm sorry. I just didn't do this before with the 'real' you, that's why. But I do want to try," – he whispered, pulling Seishirou down and kissing him lightly.

The assassin looked at him.

"Are you sure?"

"_No," _– Subaru thought.

"Yes," – he said out loud, trying to sound determined.

Seishirou smiled – it was the first time Subaru saw an honest smile on the man's face, ever since Seishirou's memory returned.

"Honestly, Subaru-kun. You are so cute," – the assassin remarked, before leaning down and kissing him.

* * *

Subaru was terrified at first how different their whole relationship became, ever since he was dealing with the real Seishirou. Now, as the assassin was stroking his body and pulling his pajamas off, Subaru had that uneasy feeling in his chest again – the feeling of being exposed and vulnerable. He wanted to calm down and surrender to the Sakurazukamori, but couldn't help himself to stop comparing.

The former Seishirou, with no memories, was very kind and tender to him in the bed, and Subaru felt equal to him, even though he was always the receiving part in their relationship. Yet even so he felt at ease back then, as if it's nothing special, merely a pleasant experience for the two of them, followed by cuddling and carefree laughter in each other's embrace afterwards, until they both would fall asleep.

The present Seishirou was way more dominant and controlling – the onmyouji clearly felt how big the level of difference between the two personas of his lover was. The aura of pure power was radiating from the man, and Subaru knew that, should he try to take the lead or anything, he'll be immediately suppressed by the Sakurazukamori's will. Subaru knew inside his heart that he could be easily broken by this Seishirou, should he let his guard down – because this man _could _do it, with no problem, and with no any emotion.

But despite that, the boy did let his guard down gradually, trying to relax and respond to the caresses of the assassin. After all, this still was Seishirou – his Seishirou – and Subaru enjoyed every touch from the man, even if it was spiced with fear. Also, Subaru noticed that Seishirou, for his part, was acting very carefully in order not to block his movement and frighten him away again – and the onmyouji was grateful to the man for that.

He wondered hazily if Seishirou really changed that much.

Subaru knew that now, that Seishirou remembered all the time they've spent together, he could no longer act as casual and indifferent, as if nothing happened. The onmyouji was well aware that Seishirou's facade, that he used to put on, faded, and the assassin had a hard time accepting that, as well as his feelings towards Subaru.

Yet despite all odds and insecurities, Subaru didn't want for them to be any other way. Because he loved Seishirou, and he belonged to him – and he wished to remain like that forever, with all his heart.

He could only hope and dare to believe the Sakurazukamori felt the same way about him.

* * *

"Kiss me."

"Like this?"

"Mmm."

"Your skin is so soft."

"You like that?"

"I always did."

"Just never told me, as usual?"

Seishirou chuckled softly, leaning down and kissing Subaru in his neck, moving with a slow rhythm inside Subaru at the same time.

The onmyouji entwined his arms around Seishirou's back, pulling himself as close as he could to the man, enjoying the warmth of their bodies together. He arched in the assassin's arms and moaned, when the man stroked his flesh.

"Don't stop," – Subaru breathed, licking his lips and trembling slightly from the sensation.

"Who would've thought that one day cute and shy Subaru-kun would be doing something like this?" – Seishirou playfully bit Subaru's earlobe, immediately licking the place of the bite.

"Seishirou-san!" – Subaru began with indignation, but gasped and moaned again, as Seishirou thrust inside him and squeezed his cock at the same time.

He felt a prick of fear, when he noticed Seishirou's eye was somewhat mocking and calculating, as the man was looking at him.

"Seishirou-san?" – he asked, his voice quivering a little.

The Sakurazukamori blinked, and the look was gone from his eyes.

"I like this," – he suddenly admitted. – "I was wondering how it would feel like, you know."

Subaru looked at him, confused.

"Wait, you mean you've never… before me….?"

Seishirou halted in his movement and shook his head, barely noticeable smile on his lips.

"But you're much… older than me," – Subaru sounded genuinely surprised.

The Sakurazukamori chuckled again.

"Honestly, Subaru-kun, as if that matters," – he resumed moving inside Subaru, pressing him down with his weight, thrusting deeper.

Subaru closed his eyes and focused on his sensations instead. Indeed, in that moment, nothing else mattered.

* * *

On the next day though, Subaru decided to get back to the matter – he felt an honest curiosity about Seishirou. He still didn't know much about the assassin, and he was determined to fix that, and gradually collect all the tiny bits of information about Seishirou, even if the man himself wasn't talkative about his life and habits.

They were sitting on a couch together – Subaru reading, Seishirou drinking tea – when the onmyouji spoke.

"Seishirou-san?"

"You know," – the assassin looked at him thoughtfully. – "I think it's about time we drop the honorifics. After all that happened between us, I see no point in pretending we aren't as close as we are."

Subaru blinked, amazed by the sudden outburst of honesty coming from the man. He stared at Seishirou, wondering if it's really the Sakurazukamori sitting in front of him right here and now.

"Or you don't want to?" – Seishirou frowned a bit.

The onmyouji shook his head, smiling slightly.

"No, I don't mind that at all. Besides, I got used to call you Seishirou through all these months."

The assassin nodded more to himself than to the boy.

"What were you going to ask me, Subaru?"

"Well…" – the onmyouji's cheeks reddened a little. – "You said yesterday I was the first one you… slept with. You really didn't do anything like that with anybody else before?"

Unexpectedly to the boy, Seishirou laughed.

"Say, Subaru, would you have sex with, let's see… a table or a tree?"

Subaru raised his brows, looking at the man with amazement. It took him few seconds to realize Seishirou was actually pretty serious about it.

"N-no, of course not," – he answered promptly.

"Well then, it's obvious, isn't it?" – the assassin shrugged indifferently.

Subaru wrinkled his brow.

"What do you… oh," – his face darkened, as the realization dawned upon him. – "_Oh_," – he repeated quietly, lowering his gaze.

"I told you at the end of the Bet, didn't I?" – the Sakurazukamori smirked. – "I see no difference between human beings and things. It's nothing strange about me not having sex with anybody before, if you take that into a count."

Subaru raised his head, looking attentively into Seishirou's eyes.

"But you slept with me now."

Seishirou calmly met his gaze.

"I did."

"So does that mean you…" – Subaru's feelings were mixed into a tangled knot, while he struggled to keep himself calm. – "You don't consider me a thing?"

The Sakurazukamori studied boy's face. Subaru was pale, but clearly determined to hear things through until the end. The man sighed and rubbed his eyes.

"I've never considered you a thing," – he admitted.

Subaru's eyes widened.

"But you told me… at the end of the year of the Bet you told me…" – his voice was shaking. – "That I'm no different to you than pebble across the road or a glass cup," – Subaru looked at Seishirou's face, and froze.

"_That look upon his face… is it guilt?"_

At any other time Subaru would dismiss the thought as impossible. But during last few months the impossible was happening constantly to him, so he figured anything was possible.

The Sakurazukamori reached out and touched Subaru's cheek gently with the tips of his fingers.

"I lied," – he stated quietly. – "And mind you, mostly to myself."

"You… what?" – Subaru felt his world is spinning again, just like that time when Seishirou told him he loved him.

The assassin threw a glance through the window. It was cloudy outside, and Seishirou wondered if it was going to snow, like on that day so many years ago. Red blood on white snow. Red camellias and white fabric of his mother's kimono. The assassin jerked, when Subaru's soft touch upon his hand, returned him to the reality.

"Is everything alright, Seishirou?" – Subaru was looking at him wary, yet with concern in his eyes.

"_Such kindness and purity to exist in this day and age," – _the old thought once again crossed Seishirou's mind.

"I think," – the Sakurazukamori began, absently running his hand through his hair. – "I've told you before that I inherited the title from my mother."

The look in Subaru's eyes was sad. The onmyouji nodded, unconsciously clutching at his right arm with his left hand. That didn't slip Seishirou's attention – he narrowed his eyes, but continued in calm and even tone.

"The day she died I asked her who will kill me, and become the next Sakurazukamori."

"What did she tell you?" – Subaru asked hoarsely.

He could guess the answer already, but he wanted to hear it from Seishirou. The assassin seemed to understand that.

"She said I'll be killed by the person I love most," – he said simply.

Subaru choked.

"No," – he breathed, shaking his head in denial. – "No…" – Subaru clenched his fists, trying to control himself.

The very thought of him killing Seishirou was frightening the onmyouji beyond imagination.

"I've lost to you the moment I made a Bet with you, Subaru," – Seishirou sounded tired. – "If you weren't different from others to me, I'd kill you and walk away on that day. Yet I've decided to give you a chance instead – why on Earth would I do that, think about it? I lost the moment I spoke the first word with you. But the truth is – I wanted to prove my mother wrong. Back then I told her it was impossible for me to fall in love, to which she answered she thought that too, until she met me, and I wanted to prove I was right."

Subaru's eyes filled with shock, but Seishirou didn't notice.

"_Seishirou… and his mother? Kami-sama…"_ – Subaru didn't know whether he should laugh or cry, when he thought about the ways of the Sakurazukamori's life.

In the meantime, Seishirou kept on talking.

"I guess you know how stubborn I may be if I want something. Because of all these reasons, I kept convincing myself you meant nothing to me," – Seishirou closed his eyes for a moment. – "As you've experienced on your own skin, I've been successful in that. At least until my accident last spring."

Silence fell upon the room, as Seishirou finished his story. Subaru was sitting, his head lowered, face covered with his hair.

"Why did you have to kill Hokuto-chan?" – the question was almost inaudible.

Seishirou's voice was indifferent, when he answered.

"She asked me to."

Subaru shook his head, not raising his gaze from the back of his hands.

"I do not understand. Why would she…"

"Because certain magic requires a blood sacrifice, Subaru."

Subaru's head jerked up.

"Magic? What are you talking about?" – he asked sharply.

* * *

Seishirou wasn't sure what was it that made him stop running that day. He knew for a long time already that the elder Sumeragi twin is looking for him, and was laughing at the thought. But then that day came, when he decided to stay and face Hokuto, instead of disappearing from under her nose once more.

Was it tiredness to blame? Or curiosity? Or the bad mood and dissatisfaction that was lurking in the corner on his soul ever since he ended the Bet?

The Sakurazukamori didn't know, but the moment he felt the presence of Sumeragi, he stopped and waited, hidden in his maboroshi, ready for an attack if necessarily.

He remembered when he heard soft footsteps coming closer from the dark. For a split second he thought it was Subaru-kun, but then the silhouette came closer, stepping carefully onto the fallen sakura petals, and he recognized feminine features of his prey's sister.

"_You broke the promise," – _Hokuto's voice was stern and clear.

She didn't quite look like herself back then, but Seishirou failed to notice that at first, being too self-assured nobody else from the Sumeragi is equal to him in terms of power, hence he had nothing to fear.

"_You took his heart. He isn't coming back."_

Did she sound disappointed back then? Seishirou wondered. He was never interested in Hokuto – he saw her no different from any other object on his path. It was her brother who mattered, not she. But then again, sometimes she was able to surprise him, and even catch him off guard – for a moment he thought of the knife's blade on his throat, and smirked darkly.

"_Your powers are insufficient to kill me."_

"_I know. But there's a spell that only I can use. So go on, Sakurazukamori. Kill me."_

Was she mocking him with that last demand of hers? Or even more so – challenging him? Seishirou didn't give it much thought at the time. He killed her, and he didn't care about his action, or about Hokuto's words to him. But then…

"_I want for the both of you… to live."_

"_Why me as well?" – _he was honestly interested in hearing an answer. - _"I hurt Subaru-kun, and I'm killing you."_

"_Yeah, I guess. But… no matter how many you've killed… I still like you. That's why I'm going to use my last powers to put a spell on you: only Subaru can kill you. And only you can kill Subaru. Therefore, if you try to kill Subaru the same way you killed me…"_

* * *

"…that attack will come back to me," – Seishirou finished, and glanced at Subaru.

The boy was sitting on the couch, biting his lips and shaking from head to toe. His eyes were full of horror and disbelief. Slowly, very slowly he turned his face to Seishirou's.

"Promise me," – Subaru said hoarsely.

"Pardon me?" – Seishirou frowned.

The onmyouji roughly grabbed the assassin by his shoulders, looking into his eyes. Seishirou didn't even react, taken aback by Subaru. He tensed and hissed, when Subaru's nails painfully sank into his skin, as the boy squeezed his shoulders tighter, his eyes filled with despair.

"You have to promise me here and now," – Subaru's voice was firm, though he still was shivering. – "That you will never ever awake that spell."

The Sakurazukamori blinked, startled by such a strong reaction from Subaru.

"Why?"

"You are all I have left," – Subaru's face was as pale as chalk. – "I can't afford to lose you as well. So you have to promise me," – Subaru paused for a moment. – "That if you decide to kill me – you'll do it on a way that will not trigger the spell," – the onmyouji closed his eyes and hugged Seishirou, burying his face into the man's neck. – "I don't want to live without you, Seishirou. I just… don't want to. Promise me that. Please."

The assassin stroked Subaru's back, trying to soothe him.

"Subaru, look at me."

The boy lifted his face hesitantly.

"I think by now you should've realized I'm not planning to kill you," – Seishirou wiped the tears off Subaru's cheek with his finger, studying boy's stubborn expression.

Subaru shook his head.

"That's not good enough. Because you may change your mind someday, when you'll get bored with me."

"I'm not going to…"

"No."

Seishirou's eyes widened. It was the first time he saw Subaru in this state.

"No matter what you say now, you cannot know if it'll still be that way in future," – the onmyouji licked his lips, drawing fast and shallow breaths, trying to shape his thoughts into words. – "I want the guarantee for such a situation. I want to be sure you won't commit suicide by using me. I refuse to live without you, as well as I refuse to be the tool for taking your own life. I don't care about the Sakurazukamori's tradition of succession, I don't care about my own clan, I don't care about anything anymore. I just want to be with you, to be yours. This is all I've ever wanted."

It crossed Subaru's mind hazily that he's never seen Seishirou being struck by his words this much. The assassin stared at Subaru, completely astonished. Then gradually he gained his usual calm and unreadable look.

"I promise," – he said simply.

Subaru looked up at him with suspicion in his eyes.

"Really?"

"Yes. I won't trigger that spell on purpose, nor shall I use you for killing me. I promise."

Subaru examined Seishirou's face carefully, but saw no trace of lie or pretence this time. The assassin looked serious, though the surprise was still lingering at the bottom of his seeing eye.

Subaru collapsed into the Sakurazukamori's arms, sobbing into his shirt from relief, as the emotions overwhelmed him.

"Honestly, Subaru," – he heard Seishirou murmuring into his ear. – "You may say whatever you want, but you never change."

"Is that bad?" – the boy managed to whisper, clutching at Seishirou's shirt, the marks glowing at the back of his hands.

The assassin smirked.

"I wouldn't have you any other way."

* * *

Subaru yawned and sat on the bed, leaning on his pillow and looking at Seishirou entering the room through lowered lashes. The Sakurazukamori was wearing one of his suites, his hair pretty messy – clearly he has just recently come home, and didn't have time to change into domestic clothes yet.

"You shouldn't bother," – Subaru said softly, when the assassin lowered the bowl with chicken soup at the nightstand.

"Honestly, Subaru. Don't even start that again," – Seishirou touched Subaru's brow and tsked in disapproval. – "You still have a fever. You need to eat and then rest."

The onmyouji's cheeks reddened.

"I'm fine!" – he objected. – "Just overworked a bit yesterday."

Seishirou rolled his eyes.

"As always. How did you even manage to stay alive through all these years working as hard as you do?"

Subaru shifted uncomfortably.

"I couldn't neglect my duties," – he mumbled. – "Even though I was mostly looking for you, and was training hard to become equal to you."

Seishirou blinked.

"You were looking for me?"

The boy nodded, taking a sip of the soup.

"This is very tasty, thank you," – he remarked and smiled, before getting serious again. – "You were hiding too well. I couldn't find out your whereabouts until last April. Where were you now while I was drowsing?" – Subaru decided to change the subject.

Seishirou settled on the floor near the bed and smirked, lingering the answer, teasing Subaru with it.

"Not on the job, if that's what you mean," – he said at last, sounding insinuatingly. – "I just went to buy groceries and some medicines for you."

Subaru flushed again.

"You shouldn't…"

Seishirou's look silenced him. The assassin got up and stretched lazily.

"Eat your soup," – he said, unbuttoning his shirt. – "I'll take a shower and change, and will make your medicine. Do you want some tea?"

"Why are you taking care of me?" – Subaru was looking thoughtfully at the man, trying to keep his gaze upon Seishirou's face, instead of staring at his fingers that were unbuttoning his pants at the moment.

"_Is he stripping in front of me on purpose?" – _the onmyouji wondered, desperately trying not to blush or lower his gaze where he shouldn't.

Seishirou smiled with the corner of his mouth. The mischievous look in his left eye confirmed Subaru's suspicion.

"Why can't I?" – the assassin leaned forward and kissed Subaru lightly on his lips. – "I'll be quick. You eat your soup," – he repeated, and went towards the bathroom.

Subaru followed him with his gaze, unable to keep himself from blushing any longer.

"I'll pay you back for this," – he muttered, as the assassin disappeared behind the door, followed by the sound of flowing water. – "As soon as I get better."

* * *

"It's snowing outside?"

Seishirou turned around and quickly examined Subaru's appearance. The onmyouji, dressed in black pants at T-shirt, was leaning against the doorjamb, hands crossed before his chest, eyeing Seishirou's hair. The feverish gleam was gone from his eyes, and he looked much better, Seishirou noticed with contentment.

"Why aren't you in bed, Subaru?" – the Sakurazukamori shook the snowflakes from his hair and took off his coat. – "And yes, it's snowing."

"I'm feeling better now," – Subaru came closer to Seishirou and hugged him, breathing in the scent of winter's fresh air from his clothes.

The assassin raised his face by his chin and studied his eyes. Subaru's look was calm.

"Are you hungry?" – Subaru smiled shyly. – "I've ordered us some food. It's still warm, in the kitchen."

"What's this, all of a sudden? Got tired of my cooking?" – Seishirou chuckled.

Subaru shook his head, blushing.

"I just wanted for you to have a break from all the housework you're doing," – he sounded as if he was apologizing. – "I know I'm not much of a use in doing chores, so…"

"You're so cute, Subaru," – Seishirou kissed him, entwining his hands around Subaru's waist.

Subaru kissed him back, parting his lips willingly, embracing the assassin, burying fingers into Seishirou's wet hair.

"You need to change," – he breathed. – "Or you'll get sick. Why didn't you take umbrella?"

"You're worried about me?" – Seishirou raised his eyebrow mockingly.

Subaru sighed.

"You're a human after all, Seishirou. Even though you're the Sakurazukamori. Of couse I'm worried."

The assassin tilted his head aside, looking at Subaru with a strange expression upon his face.

"We both have changed pretty much, didn't we?" – he observed.

Subaru returned the look.

"I think that for my part, I've simply become more egoistic," – the boy shrugged and smiled guiltily. – "I no longer care what will other people think of me, nor do I care about my clan and their traditions. It's like I said to you before," – Subaru put his palm on Seishirou's cheek, gently stroking his skin. – "Even if it's wrong, even if it's ultimately stupid from me – I still want to be with you, like this. I couldn't wish for anything else."

Seishirou caught Subaru's fingers and kissed them lightly, the sly look in his left eye.

"Well then, will you treat your personal domestic assassin to a dinner and tea, even if it's ultimately stupid, Sumeragi-san?"

"Stop mocking me."

"But you're so cute when you get angry."

"I still have to pay you back for that deliberate stripping of yours."

"Oh, so you've noticed then," – Seishirou smirked smugly.

Subaru rolled his eyes.

"Honestly, Seishirou, sometimes you're behaving like a child."

"Punish me."

"You know I might accept the offer."

"Mmm, how tempting."

"Hey, stop it!"

"Make me."

"Should I throw ofuda at you?"

"That sounds even more tempting."

"All right, you're getting it now."

* * *

Snow kept falling outside, covering the city in white. It was cold on this December night, but this year that cold couldn't reach Subaru's flat, where the two men were sitting at the table, drinking tea, talking, teasing each other and laughing; each doing their best to learn to live with one another.

* * *

The same night at Okinawa Island was warm and peaceful. The boy named Kamui wasn't sleeping though. He was standing by the window in his small room, looking at the stars. His face was sad. He was thinking about his mother's words, trying to understand what she meant by telling him of the choice he'll have to make in order to protect the people important to him. This turned his thoughts to his distant friends at Tokyo, and the small smile appeared on his lips, when he remembered Kotori and Fuuma playing together with him. He wished for them to be safe, and he wished that someday they'd be reunited again, and be happy.

* * *

At the same time in Togakushi shrine in Tokyo, the boy named Fuuma opened his eyes in the middle of the night. They were blank and distant – as if he was listening to voices nobody else could hear.

Outside the wind was howling through the streets, and snowfall was turning into the storm.

"Soon," – Fuuma whispered into the darkness of the room, and smiled.

The smile was cold.


End file.
